The Season of Romance Wasteland by Sherry Daniels

7-year-old: “Mom, what is sex?”
 

Mom (thinking back through the last seven years, and finally, shrugging): “I have NO idea.”

Do any of these confessions sound familiar?

‘I can’t remember the last time we went on a date.’  

‘My husband and I seem more like roommates than a married couple.’

 ‘When I look at our bed, I don’t think ‘sex’, I think ‘how many more hours left before my head hits that pillow.’”

So here you are, with newly found time and energy, wondering how to reignite the spark you and your husband shared in the beginning. Awesome! Now what? 

PLAY TOGETHER: Literally. Go out and have fun! What were some of your favorite activities when you were dating? Perhaps:

v  Snow skiing, sledding

v  Hiking nature trails

v  Visiting flea markets

v  Bike rides

v  Competitive sports

v  People watching, bird watching

v  Fishing

v  Fly kites

v  Explore a city you haven’t been to

v  Go bowling, dancing, roller skating, golf

v  Go on a picnic

You get the idea. Couples tend to get so serious about the business of being grown-ups they forget to play together. Make a list together and plan weekly dates. (Even if getting out on a date is difficult, you can still make connection dates in your own home by committing to a time with each other. Turn off the phones and TV, grab your favorite beverage, find a quiet spot and let the kids know that they cannot interrupt unless it requires speed-dialing 9-1-1.) For more dating ideas, see 58 Years.

PEN HIM IN: Make a date for sex--no cancellations, no excuses.  This may sound a little anti-romantic but the planning and anticipation is actually very romantic and very exciting. Give your husband little reminders that you are looking forward to your date. 

v  Sext him

v  Leave love notes

v  Take a selfie for him only

v  Send him flowers

v  Start a love story, adding a paragraph and passing it back and forth

NO WORRIES:  Please don’t let insecurity about post-baby changes in your body keep you from intimacy. Over and over again, I hear the same refrain from men: Sensuality and sexuality have nothing to do with the perfect body. Looking sexy comes from within, an aura of desire, confidence and making your partner feel like the sexy one. Want to feel more sensual/make your partner feel sexy? 

v  Flirt (flit your hair, bat an eye, whisper in his ear)

v  Wear something sexy

v  Wear nothing at all

v  Dance for him

v  Play truth or dare

v  Go parking

v  30 second kisses and hugs

v  Massages, foot rubs

v  Feed each other, make a rule you can’t feed yourself.  Try it in bed.

v  Act out a fantasy

START OVER:  When we are young, sex is great with little or no thought, but as we age, sex changes. This is a two way street because men’s testosterone level begins to drop starting in their early thirties. The changes can become a great equalizer as men naturally take more time in the bedroom. So talk about sex from a fresh perspective. Be silly. Be sexy. Be wild. Experiment.

GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER ALL OVER AGAIN:  I know, we are parents.  Parents talk about kids. And money. And job security.  And household chores.   But is that really all there is to life?  (If you’re stilling trying to answer this question, the correct answer is a definitive: no!) When was the last time you really gave each other time to hear your deepest stressors, longings and dreams?  Having an intimate conversation—now, that’s romantic. Topic ideas:

v  Newest fantasy

v  Bucket list

v  Strangest dream

v  Dream vacation

v  Answer this: I never… (or) I always wanted to….

v  Describe a perfect day

v  What do you like most/least about yourself

v  A powerful childhood memory

v  Deepest worries/greatest satisfaction
v  Secret ambitions

       

Sherry Daniels is a Licensed Professional Counselor providing individual, couples and family therapy since 1994.  She serves a broad spectrum of clients at her private practice in Fenton, Michigan.    Her passion is working with couples and families.   She states: "It is possible to repair the problems that develop in a relationship. I break each problem into solvable steps. I help you sharpen the skills you have and develop the tools you need for a loving, enduring relationship."
     Sherry is an interactive, solution-focused therapist.   Her approach is to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address personal life challenges.   She integrates methodologies and techniques to offer a highly personalized approach tailored to each client with an attitude of compassion and understanding.

She actively updates her skills and knowledge base with ongoing training including John Gottman Relationship Training.     Ascend Counseling Services

58 years

In remembrance of my parents 1st Heavenly Anniversary, I decided to make a list of all the great date nights my husband and I should plan.    

Then I decided to ditch the dream date list for activities we might actually get around to.   Not only are these ideas affordable, they also provide a lot more intimacy than any loud night on the town.   In fact, if I can remember WAYYYY back to our first year together (when we were both incredibly romantic and incredibly poor), the best dates we had were the simple ones.    Here are some of my ideas:

Got Ideas?   Add them below.

Why Can't I Just Shut Up 2

A sequel to the last post.  This target: husband. 

I really can't remember the details, but it was bedtime, and I was furious!  I also remember, whatever my husband did to make me mad, he was more than aware of, and apparently quite willing to agree. 

However, he thought a simple apology would do it.  So I got the old basic type.  Then he rolled over, and instantaneously began to snore.  Meanwhile I stewed on my side of the bed.

This was not over. 

So, I poked him awake.  Told him how and why he ticked me off.   He apologized again, rolled over and began to snore. 

So, I poked him again.   This went on about six times!  Seriously. 

If he could fall asleep that easily, he really wasn't getting the just of my anger: he really did get or care why I was THAT mad.

So, I poked him again.  This time he turned on the light, sat up, looked right at me, and said:

"Okay.  I'm listening."

Then, he ruined it, by adding:

"Well, I better get this over with.  It's my fault.  I screwed up, and I'm never going to get some sleep if I don't let you yell at me."

Actually, I laughed.  It wasn't really funny.  I was still mad and probably should have been insulted.  But the truth is, he called me out.   When I am really, really angry,  (See: Why Can't I Just Shut Up.) I don't shut up.   It's like a broken dam.  Water furiously rushing out, cutting, carving, barreling with angry menace, until finally the water becomes part of the quiet flowing stream.  And life hopefully returns to normal.